What's the worst computer IT job

IT strategy

Back then - somewhere between punch cards and e-commerce - IT was still a constant source of joy. Software never went right, Bill Gates was the enemy, and outside the industry nobody understood what IT is actually good for. Today the situation has changed radically down to the last point: Microsoft no longer has a monopoly on jokes, technology is not always the same as electronic waste, corporations are no longer "evil". The IT joke as we used to know it no longer works. He is in what is perhaps his worst crisis.

However, you also have to admit: In the past, you laughed at all crap. As long as the abbreviation DAU was mentioned. And prejudices were repeated. And Bill Windows got his fat off. Vista was another high point of ridicule, one last sneering flicker. But already here old joke models were adapted in terms of content to the new product names, which did not advance the IT humor.

In retrospect, two categories of industry jokes have emerged in recent years: jokes that are no longer understandable and jokes that are not funny (mathematicians jokes are an intersection of these). In addition, most of the jokes exist in various forms, which doesn't really make them funnier. The web is also full of jokes in which the spelling mistakes were copied ("Scott McNeely"). That's sad, but in five years it probably won't even be noticed.

Therefore, this collection of 30 shady IT jokes can also be understood as a memorial - for a time when IT was still called DV and promised more than just ensuring the efficiency of business processes in close coordination with the departments. It should therefore be read with one laughing and one crying eye.

  1. Chuck Norris
    Chuck Norris can also send in parallel on a serial cable.
  2. pineapple
    Dialog between computer and user:

    Enter password: pineapple

    Sorry. Your password is too short.

    Peeled pineapple

    Sorry. Your password must contain at least one digit.

    1 peeled pineapple

    Sorry. Your password can't contain spaces.

    50 damn peeled pineapple

    Sorry. Your password must contain capital letters.

    50 FUCKING Peeled Pineapple

    Sorry. Your password can only contain uppercase letters that are not consecutive.

    50DammitPeeledPineapplesI'm SlidingInfinallyYouDon't FinallyTake TheDammonPassword !!!

    Sorry. Your password can't contain any punctuation marks.

    NowI'm GoingSlowlyReally Pissed50DammitPeeledPineapplesI'm Pushing YouInfinallyYouDon'tFinallyTake The DamnPassword

    Sorry. The password is already taken. Please choose another one!
  3. programmer
    The shortest programmer joke: "I'll be finished soon!"
  4. Windows error
    Working on the computer is like driving a submarine: when you open a window, the problems start.
  5. Facebook down
    "Damn! Facebook is completely down! "-" Well, the NSA also needs a vacation sometimes ... "
  6. Both thumbs
    Inquiry from the Microsoft hotline: "I'm installing Windows, what should I press?"

    Answer: "Best of all, two thumbs!"
  7. Minecraft
    What is flat and square? - A Minecraft joke.
  8. Windows 8
    "I heard that if you play the Windows 8 disc backwards, you hear a terrible voice!"

    "That's nothing - if you play it forwards, Windows 8 installs itself!"
  9. WiFi cable
    Have you stumbled across my wifi cable again?
  10. boot
    An engineer, a physicist and a programmer drive in a car. The car suddenly breaks down. Then the engineer says: "Shit, that's probably due to the injection system, I'll have a look at it." Says the physicist: "Oh, what, there is only one cable loose." Says the programmer: “I don't think so. We all get out, then back in, and then it'll work again. "
  11. Women
    The server woman: She's always busy when you need her.

    The Windows Woman: You know she has a lot of flaws, but you can't live without her.

    The Powerpoint Woman: She is ideal to present to people at celebrations.

    The Excel woman: They say she can do a lot, but you only use her for the usual four basic functions. The Word Woman: She keeps surprising you and there is no one in the world who really understands her. The DOS woman: Everyone already had them and nobody wants them anymore.

    The Internet Woman: Man has to pay to gain access to her.
  12. Women
    The backup woman: You think she has it all, but when it comes down to it, you realize she's missing something. The Scandisk woman: We know that she is doing good and that she just wants to help, but basically nobody knows what she can really do.

    The Screensaver Woman: She doesn't have a really important role, but she is fun to watch.

    The hard disk woman: She remembers everything, at any time of the day.

    The Email Woman: Of the ten things she says, nine are total rubbish.

    The Virus Woman: When you least expect it, she installs herself in your apartment. If you try to uninstall it, you will be missing a lot of things; if you don't, you lose everything.
  13. bicycle
    Two computer science students drive across the campus. One says: “Where did you get that great bike from?”
    Then the other: “When I was walking yesterday, a pretty girl drove past me on this bike. When she saw me, she threw the bike aside , tore off his clothes and shouted: "Take what you want!"
    The first student nods in agreement: "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit!"
  14. Windows
    Call the hotline ...
    Customer: “I use Windows ...”
    Hotline: “Yes ...?”
    Customer: “... my computer is not working properly.”
    Hotline: “ You already said that ... ”
  15. Bill Gates
    Tony Blair, Bill Clinton and Bill Gates Go to Heaven. God asks them what they believe in.
    Tony Blair replies, "I believe everything - big or small - was created by you." God asked him to take a seat on his right.
    Bill Clinton replies, "I believe the truth makes free." God asks him to take a seat on his left.
    Bill Gates replies, "I think you are sitting in my seat!"
  16. Tickets
    Two mathematicians and two physicists take the train to a congress.
    On the outward journey, they talk about the system of ticket sales, whereby the mathematicians mention that they only need one ticket for two people.
    As After a while the conductor arrives, the two mathematicians go to the toilet together. Shortly afterwards the conductor knocks on the door and asks for the ticket, the mathematicians slide theirs under the door and everything is okay.
    On the way back they learned physicists and only bought one ticket. The mathematicians, on the other hand, don't have any!
    The conductor approaches again soon and the physicists go to the bathroom. Shortly afterwards a mathematician follows them and knocks on the door: "The ticket, please!"
  17. Sun Microsystems
    Three programmers are in the toilet by the urinal. The first one is done and goes to the sink to wash his hands.
    Then he dries them very carefully. He needs paper after paper to dry every drop on his hands. Turning to the other two, he says, “At Microsoft we are trained to be very precise.” The second programmer quits his business and goes to the sink. He uses a single piece of paper and makes sure to use every possible corner of the paper. He turns around and says: “At Intel, we are not only trained in extreme accuracy, but also in efficiency.”
    The third programmer has finished, goes straight to the door and shouts over his shoulder: “At Sun we piss not on our hands. "
  18. mathematics
    Three men ride in a hot air balloon and get lost in a valley.
    One of them said: "I have an idea: We are calling for help, and the echo here amplifies our voices. Then we are sure to have a big one Distance to hear. " So all three leaned over the rim of the basket and shouted:
    "Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiilfääääääääääääääääää! Where are we?" About 15 minutes later they heard a voice: - "Haallooo! You are lost!"
    One of the men says: "That was definitely a mathematician." The other two are a bit confused: "Why is that?"
    "For three reasons: firstly, it took him a long time to answer, secondly, he is absolutely right, and thirdly, his answer was totally superfluous."
  19. user
    A mathematician, a physicist and a computer user are included separately from each other.
    Each receives two glass balls. After an hour you can see what happened.
    The mathematician sits in his cell and calculates the volume and surface area of ​​the spheres.
    The physicist holds the spheres against the light and calculates the refractive index and absorption coefficient.
    The last thing you look in at the computer user is that a ball is missing and the window is broken.
    When asked what happened, the user just shrugs his shoulders and says: "Me didn't do anything ...! "
  20. Support
    DAU: "My monitor does not work."
    Helpdesk: "Is it switched on?"
    DAU: "Yes."
    Helpdesk: "Please switch it off."
    DAU: "Ah, let's go ..."
  21. awareness
    What does a computer think?
    "God is great, man is small, then I must be in between."
  22. father
    American scientists have developed an omniscient computer.
    An IT manager wants to test it before buying it and asks a question: "Where is my brother now?"
    The seller enters the question, the computer calculates, and after a few seconds it prints out: "Your brother is sitting in the LH474 machine to Beijing."
    The IT manager is enthusiastic, but he asks for another test and asks: "Where is my father now?" Again the computer does the math and finally prints out: "Your father is sitting on the Lower Rhine and fishing."
    "Ha," screams the buyer. "I knew that the computer can't know everything - my father has been dead for five years ! "
    The salesman is dismayed, gets a colleague, and together they enter the question again to check. The computer calculates and calculates and calculates, and finally it prints:" Your mother's husband is dead! Your father is sitting on the Lower Rhine and fishing. "
  23. frog
    On the way to work a frog jumps at the feet of a programmer. "I'm an enchanted princess, kiss me!" The programmer puts the frog in his jacket pocket.
    During the lunch break, it croaks out of the jacket. "Please, please, kiss me, I'm an enchanted princess." The programmer ignores the frog.
    When he takes the animal out of his jacket in the pub and demonstrates it, he is asked why he didn’t hear the begging frog? I don't have time, but I think a talking frog is cool ... "
  24. Probably
    Before going on a long-haul trip, a politician asks a mathematician what the probability is that a bomb is in the plane.
    The mathematician does the math for a week and then proclaims: "The probability is a ten-thousandth!" This is still too high for the politician, and he asks the mathematician if there isn't a method to lower the probability.
    The mathematician disappears again for a week and then has the solution:
    "Take Have a bomb yourself! The probability that two bombs are on board is then the product (1 / 10,000) x (1 / 10,000) = one in a hundred million. You can fly with peace of mind! "
  25. burnout
    Three programmers have to go to the mental hospital because of overuse. After a few weeks they seem to be ready to go back to their stressful job.
    The attending doctor asks the first person to come to his office for a final test. "Do you say how much is five times five?" The programmer thinks about it for a moment and answers: "110." The doctor shakes his head and asks the patient to stay in the clinic for a while.
    The second programmer also thinks about it for a while and answers the question, which equals five times five: “Thursday.” Again the doctor shakes his head and puts him off for the later discharge. The third patient comes in and he gives a quick answer to that Question: "25." The doctor is delighted and prepares the discharge papers.
    Then he ticks: "How did you come up with the solution so quickly?" "It's very simple," says the programmer: "110 divided by Thursday!"
  26. Lightbulb
    How do 100 Windows users change a broken lightbulb?
    One unscrews, and 99 click away the error messages.
  27. centimeter
    At a weather station, the daily amount of precipitation has to be entered manually into the computer.
    One of the weathermakers makes a mistake and actually enters “8.54 meters” instead of “8.54 centimeters”.
    The computer gives the following error message from:
    "Build a boat! Take two of each species, one male and one female ..."
  28. Shoes
    How do you recognize an extroverted computer scientist?
    He looks at your shoes while talking.
  29. Mac
    Three men argue about the best computer.
    The first says: “Real men work with a Linux PC and let their children play with a Windows PC.”
    Then the second: “Real men work with a SUN and give the PC to the children to play with. "
    Finally the third:" Real men play with their children and let the Mac work for them! "
  30. fax
    Bill Gates, Andy Grove from Intel and Jerry Sanders from AMD are in a conference.
    Suddenly Bill apologizes and talks on his watch. Grove and Sanders look at each other in amazement. "This is the new telephone function from Microsoft and Timex. Comes with the new Windows version," explains Gates.
    Five minutes later, Andy Grove interrupts the conference - "Sorry, a call". He talks in a low voice with his tie. Later he says: "This is the latest Intel innovation - a satellite phone as a tie-pin!". As soon as he has finished speaking, there is a loud fart from Jerry Sanders: "Quick paper! I'll get a fax!"
  31. chaos
    A doctor, a civil engineer and a computer scientist argue about which profession is the oldest.
    The doctor says: "The Bible says that God took Adam's rib and made Eve out of it. From this it follows that doctor is the oldest profession at all. "
    Replies the civil engineer:" And if you turn back a few pages in the Bible, you will find the following passage: 'God created heaven and earth out of chaos.' That is definitely architecture. That's why we have the oldest Profession. "
    The computer scientist smiles thoughtfully:" And who do you think created chaos with God's help? "
  32. Consultant
    A management consultant and an IT consultant sit next to each other on the plane.
    The management consultant is bored, he asks his neighbor if he would like to play a game: "I'll ask you a question. If you don't know the answer, pay me five euros. Then ask me a question. If I can't answer it, I'll pay five euros. "
    The IT consultant refuses and turns to sleep. But the management consultant does not give up. "Okay, to make your decision easier, let's do it this way: if you don't know the answer, you pay five euros; if I don't know it, I'll pay 50 euros." Now the IT consultant is listening and agrees.
    The management consultant begins: "How big is the distance between the earth and the moon?" The IT consultant shrugs his shoulders, takes his wallet and gives the neighbors the agreed five euros.
    Now it's his turn: "What climbs the mountain on three legs and goes down again on four legs?" he asks.
    The management consultant is at a loss. He boots up his notebook, logs into the net, browses the web, visits forums and knowledge databases, and scours blogs, scientific wikis and online encyclopedias. Without success.After hours, the IT consultant had fallen asleep again, he woke his colleague and handed him the promised 50 euros to go back to sleep. "Hey," calls out the management consultant. "What is the answer?"
    The IT consultant turns to him, takes out his wallet again, gives him five euros without a word and turns back to sleep.
  33. Women